I am not better than others

Earlier this month I went to a conference held by Pure Life Ministry in Kentucky. Pure Life Ministry’s main vision is to help people fight against sexual sins and live a sexually pure life. The corner stone of their ministry is a 7-month residential program, in which people commit to live a communal life with others who also struggle with sexual sin in a peaceful rural area cut off from Internet and other worldly distractions. I found out about this residential program when I entered the church where the conference was held. As you might have guessed, I did not attend this conference out of pure curiosity—its topic was relevant to myself. However, despite of the struggles I had had with sexual sins, no sooner did I see the banner about the residential program than I started to feel grateful to God that my sins were not so bad that I had to go through such a boring, even shameful program—if I did go through the program, I certainly would have kept it a secret to my grandparents.

At that moment, different thoughts were flashing through my mind. The idea that I was not bad enough to join the residential program was surprisingly reminiscent of something other ISEEDERs and I read together in a book called A Meal with Jesus, according to which, Pharisees in Jesus’s time used to thank God that they were born clean—not as Gentiles, tax collectors and all other kinds of sinners. Upon making the connection, I had a smile of embarrassment, although no one knew I smiled because just like Pharisees, I thought I was better than others, and even thanked God for that…

I realized my pride, but my attitude to the residential program did not change a bit—that it would be so boring to live in place cut off from technology and crowded with other guys. When I was incapable of changing myself, praise to the Lord, that He once again changed my thoughts. It just so happened, or should I say, God arranged that a fund-raising banquet was schedule on the next day, and one of the program was a choir of the all the current members of the residential program. When the choir entered the ball room, they were welcomed with a standing ovation. Standing close to the entrance, I could clearly see each resident when they entered the room, and among them were both people of my age and grey-haired elders walking with a cane.

The ball room reverberated with hand clapping sound. As my hands gradually went numb, so did my heart and mind, deeply touched and blown away by these people’s humbleness to join a program that I frowned upon as boring, and their commitment to set aside 7 months of life that I could not imagine to go through. On a behavioral level, their sins were probably worse than mine, but once having found out a program through which God may powerfully extend His healing hand, they chose to obey and follow, with faith, holding on to a thread of hope for what they had not yet seen. Earlier that day, a delivery car came with divorce papers for a guy. Staying there was not easy.

That night, I heard a story of a man who came to the program with a gun in his car trunk, thinking to commit suicide if the program could not help. In the end, he did not use his gun. That weekend, I came in with an arrogance that I was better than those who needed to go through the program, only to leave with an admiration of the faith of the “bad sinners”.

Follow His Master Plan

This month, we are reading a book called The Master Plan of Evangelism. This book talked about the plans that Jesus used in His ministry and His way of teaching the disciples. The book outlined eight most important aspects observed in the ministry of the Master- selection, association, consecration, impartation, demonstration, delegation, supervision and reproduction.  In the the first step which is selection, what stood out to me the most and spoke to me is the strategy of "concentrated on a few".

In Jesus' ministry, he only chose 12 people to start with even though His ultimate goal is to transform the world. One may think that 12 people is far from enough to be able to achieve that ultimate goal of Jesus', the wisdom lies in it. By keeping the group small, Jesus was able to work effectively with them and teach them by demonstration what He wanted them to learn, so that one day, they will be fully equipped and prepared to step on to the journey of evangelism. 

Throughout the ministry, even though more and more people started to follow Jesus, He still kept His focus on these people. Even among those 12 disciples, some are enjoying closer relationships with Jesus than others.  

This made me think of the importance of focusing on a few people and pouring into their lives as much as I could instead of trying to meet as many people and possible. I think God has different things prepared for different people in missions and the ways He wanted them to take are also different. I believe what God is calling me to do is to pour into the lives of a few people that may be already in my life and people that I am about to encounter in the days to come. 

During the ISEED program, I've also learnt how importance it is to ask God to lead us to people with peace and are ready to receive the gospel. This would open us new doors for evangelism conversations and allows us to share the gospel better and more effectively. 

As I get closer and closer to the end of the ISEED program, I can see a clearer picture that God revealed to me of what He wants me to do in the future. I feel him calling me to move to another city. I feel confident that He will lead me to people of peace that He wants me to pour my life into. 

Seeing God's master plan of evangelism and the plan He has for me laying out, I've never felt this confident in being able to be a royal servant to God to carry out His good purposes. I also feel the urge of moving on to the next chapter of my life and to experience the good things that He has in store for me. 

     

Back Home

I was really touched by Rich’s sharing about returnees in the 11^th IFI banquet. He mentioned that many international students became believers in the states and after they return home God used them to share the gospel with thousands of people. One of the names he mentioned, John Song, went into my mind. I heard about him around ten years ago and I knew that he made great contribution to spread the gospel in China, especially in the middle part of China. What really touched me is 10% of all the Christians in China are influenced by him directly and indirectly. God really did amazing things through John Song. I hope God can use me as the way He used John Song after I return home.

My husband Calvin and I had a plan before we came to Columbus. He planned to be a professor in China and so we can influence students in China easily. We plan to show hospitality to students from other provinces who are studying in the university that Calvin is going to work. We plan to have a Friday/Thursday night bible study group at home and I will cook for the students and we will follow up them at weekends. I believe God lead me to IFI and this ISEED program to train me and equip me to better serve students in China. I learned how to lead discovery bible study and how to share the gospel by reading books and share opinion with other ISEEDers. I saw many others Christians working as role models to share the gospel with others.

We are planning to go back to China in several years and we believe that during this time God will equip us better to be his servants.

A prayer for healing

I recently had the opportunity to go on Columbus State Community College and engage with students in spiritual conversations through a piece of art work portraying biblical stories that represent the daily conflicts people go through in their lives. 

I was amazed by how quickly people responded, with such honesty and openness. Our board was quickly filled with people's response cards - the feeling of uncertainty of future, loss of close friends and family members, struggles with depression. 

It breaks my heart. 

How many people are hurting inside each day? These hurts might be buried deeply in their hearts. They are buried under busyness of school work, life, social activities. They are hidden behind laughter and smiles. 

We just don't always see it.

The thing is, every time I got to talk with someone, I was so excited to share the truth with them - how Jesus extended His arms reached out to the poor, the lost, and the lonely; how He approached the Samaritan woman; how He healed the man with leprosy. I saw so much of His love for each person that's hurting that I forgot mine. And I so wanted to tell them that there's someone who's waiting to carry all their burdens, including mine.

I wish this is something I could be doing every day. It's ironic sometimes how much easier it is to share the truth with someone else than to ourselves. But by repeating the truth, I'm reminding myself each time of the same promises He had for me. Something that has never changed but somehow I keep forgetting about. 

Is this how Jesus felt when He was on the cross? Seeing all the love His father had for His people, even though He was hurting in such pain that's beyond our imagination?

My prayer is for more healing on college campuses, more students to be touched by His spirit, especially through the hard times. I pray that He will use my hurts to reach out to others who are hurting. Oh Lord, may you break my heart for what breaks yours.

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We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;

2 Corinthians 4:8

Why Evangelism?

Last month, Rich gave us a series of class about evangelism. During one of his classes, he asked us if we would like to go outside the office and share gospels with people in the street. I had an answer in my mind at that time. I would not go definitely, since I feel it is awkward to talk about gospel with strangers. Then he asked us"if you go outside and talk with the stranger about God, you will get $10,000 reward, how many  of you would go?" To be honest, with such a payment, I would go outside and talk with strangers immediately. The payment is a powerful motivation. Then I realize my motivation is not God.
I have been enjoying my privileges as being God' child for a long time. I always talk with God and ask for his bless. God is loving me all the time. I feel it is so good to be in God's kingdom. Through God, my life is becoming better and better. I spend lots time thinking about how I can "get" more from God. I eager to grow by reading bible and staying with other Christians. I always want other mature christians to help me grow. I rarely think about share all the good things to other people, especially non-believers.
One day, one of my christian friends ask me" Cindy, when you know a good tv show, a good food, a good place, or any good things, will you share with your friend?" I said"yes, of course, I always share good things with my friends". I thought she was doubting how I treat my friend. So I even gave her some examples of my sharing with friends recently. Then she said"well, so how do you think God's words compared to those good things you shared with your friend? which one do you think is better?" Then I realized what she was really trying to say.
Recently, I am thinking a lot about evangelism. I feel I am so selfish. So I pray that I can be obedient to God's command and become a fruit-bearing disciple. Jesus expects his followers to let people in on the meaning of his life, death, and resurrection. Before he ascended to heaven, Jesus said, “Go and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19). When we share the gospel, we are obeying Jesus’ command and joining the Great Commission he entrusted to us (John 20:19-21)
I realize when we proclaim the good news, we grow as Christ’s disciples. Through evangelism we can strengthen our faith and transform our thinking. Last month,I went to the ESL class in the library again. It is a good place to find international non-believers. I talked with a girl who relocated to Columbus. She is from China, and she is a non-believer. She would like to know more people. So I invited her to our wives group. After inviting her, I felt very joyful, I hope her new journey can begin from wives group.

Search me Lord, and know my heart

           Last week, a student called Di mentioned to me a theory about 3 ways in which people acquire self-esteem. The first way is to compare with others.  If a person does better than others, the person gains self-esteem. The second way is to match the goals a person made for himself. If person can achieve his own goals, then he feels good about himself. The third type of people have a deep-rooted identity of who they are, and their self-esteem are not heavily influenced by comparison. And then Di commented: “maybe is third type is like because God so loved the world…” I agreed with what Di, thinking that the third type of people have solid identity as children of God, and therefore they don’t have to use ulterior means to validate themselves.

I told Di that I am a strong type II. I often set goals for myself, and strive to achieve them. I like myself a lot more or a lot less, depending on whether I can achieve my own goals or not. Recently, I have been working hard towards the goal of being able to climb all the routes in Ohio State University’s climbing gym. I started out with a firm belief that rock climbing was something God wanted me to do, because it was through many totally unexpected twists and turns that I got into rock climbing, which was also something I had been praying for to do over the long winter when I couldn’t do outdoor cycling. Rocking climbing also immediately gave me a Godly purpose, because of sheer difficulty gave me a strong sense of inadequacy. While I was trapped on the wall, not able to move any higher, and consumed by the fear of falling, I was praying for God to give me the courage and persistence, so that I wouldn’t give up unless I had tried my absolute best. I also remember the story in Exodus 17, which is about Joshua’s Israelites army were winning battles whenever Moses lifted his hand. I felt as a climber, I was like Joshua, because although I was winning some tough battles, it was God who fought for me. Without prayers on the wall, I could do little. Moreover, I even came across the verses of Psalm 94:18-19 : “When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” In rock climbing, if a person’s feet slip from the tiny footholds, he or she is almost likely going to fall off the wall. Anxiety of falling cripples a person from making bold, dynamic moves. Therefore, I was overjoyed to read these two verses, as if they were written for my rock climbing training.

But before I knew it, I started to train 3 hours a day, and sometimes more than 10 days in a row. Pains from my fingers and elbows gave me the first warning sign that I was training too much. When I looked deeper into my spiritual life, I realized my rock climbing started to lose the joy and patience, which are the fruits of the Spirit. I used to experience joy in the process, but now, unless I can climb the next hard route, I feel not joy, but great impatience, and disappointment with myself. Thanks to God, a mentor pointed out to me that Psalm 94 is not the only place that mentions “foot slipping”. Psalm 73 says that “But as for me, my feet had almost slipped:  I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.” In my case, my feet were slipping because rock climbing was starting to become an idol for me in which I sought self-esteem through personal achievements. I was so performance-minded, that if I saw a climber worse than me, I would feel judgmental to him/her, and if I saw a climber better than me, I felt envious. What started with Godly intentions gradually turned into a barren place where myself was starting to replace God. But I’m grateful that God has revealed to me that in the deep recess of heart, I have been trying to earn the favor of myself and the favoring of God by achievement and performance. No matter how many stories of faithful men and women who chose to give up their promising careers to stay at home to take care of their children, or sick spouses, I imagined myself having to be out there in the battlefront, reaching out to unknown people groups, to feel the most content with myself. In other words, in my imagination, I would rather choose to be a martyr shot to death by terrorists because of my profession of faith, than to be a husband who honors God by staying home to take care of my wife. I feel I need to do things to please myself and God, but Jesus says: “without me, you can do nothing.”

            I believe that Bible does commands us to work hard for the Lord, and often during the process, at some point, I start to work hard for myself under the pretext of working for hard. As soon as I drive Jesus out of the center, I will work in vain. I pray God to reveal to me the deep thoughts and intentions of my heart, and correct me to go on the path everlasting. 

The honor of serving with IFI

I feel very blessed to work with IFI. The opportunity to work for the Lord and the assurance to make a difference in this world fills my heart with joy. I am surrounded by people who love the Lord, people I can follow and imitate as they follow and imitate Christ. One of the most important things I learned during the ISEED formation was to always start with the end in mind and working with events it is crucial to know what it the goal and the expectation.
Then, what is my object? Why do I coordinate events for international students? “For God so loved the world” says John 3:16. The ultimate point is to share this love, the good news that the god that students feel distant or not existing is truly the creator of the universe, the One who cares for them so much and who made a way to have a relationship with us.
I might not be able to talk to students and interact with them because I will be busy making sure that everything runs smoothly, but my job is to provide volunteers an environment where they can connect with students, and where students can feel safe and loved. My desire is that each activity can be the beginning of a life changing experience.

In the past few months, I have heard multiple testimonies of students learning about IFI during one of our events (the Hocking Hills trip, a conference over Christmas, etc.) and my heart was filled with joy! It is a victory when even just one person is impacted with the Gospel! Jesus power is so great that He makes everything new and can bring light even in the darkest places. If those internationals hear the good news and share it both here in the US with their friends and back at home, the change will be radical and the great commission accomplished one person at the time!
Did you know that one on one discipleship is the best way to reach the world? Numbers say that the growth is slow at the beginning, but that the investment is worth in the long run, as the multiplication is exponential (“Discipleship by design” by Harvey Herman, Jr.).

I thank God for the honor of serving Him through IFI. It makes me feel like I belong to something bigger and that the time I spend is well invested.