To 2017: more of You and less of me

King of the World - Natalie Grant

I wish 2016 could've had an easier ending.

It didn't.

Instead, so much has happened in the last month that I've struggled to put everything into words. How could I accurately describe it to you, except that it was a pretty wild ride?
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As I'm half way done with unpacking in my new apartment, for the first time in over a month, I feel settled and at ease.

There were actually a lot of good things that happened, like the students I got to engage with, the new connections that were made, and the relationships that got deeper. They are worth so much praise!

But somehow, the challenges that were thrown in my way seem to be a lot bigger and overshadowed the joy from seeing fruits in ministry that I've been hoping for a long time.

So much of my own strength has gone into troubleshooting that when the ministry opportunities finally came, I found little left in me to rely on.

I was confused.

Isn't it what you have called me here to do, God? If so, then why has it been so unnecessarily hard?
I remember myself thinking,

How did I get to where I am?
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One of my biggest fear as a Christian is that faith alone couldn't sustain me.

Surely I need Christ and His salvation.

But on this side of heaven, I also need a roof over my head, a job that provides financial stability, fulfilling relationships with people that matter in my life - and so much more! These are just basic human needs to survive, right?

Every time when something I put my identity on fails, I would find myself returning to Him, disappointed and questioning His goodness.

If He is ultimately good, then why bad things happen in this world?
Have you asked this question before?
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It wasn't the blocks of stone on my path that overwhelmed me, it was the doubt that entered into my heart. How little faith I have!

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But I forgot that it was the world that was broken, and it was me that was the sinner.

After being a Christian for a few years, I think I'm finally having a grasp on the concept of sin and brokenness, something I've always rejected deep in my heart. I find the disconnection grows stronger and stronger especially after I start to share the gospel more and more with non-believers.

After all, how do I tell people, that behind all the beautiful decorations and smiling faces, Christianity is not for perfect rule-keepers and "nice people," - it was the brokenness and His redemption that united all of us?

Didn't the hopeless idealist in me for a moment believe that humans can achieve love and peace in the world with our own strength alone?
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In the midst of confusions, a friend shared this passage with me. It was 2 Corinthians 11: 16-33, where Paul boasted about his sufferings.

As I read through the scripture, I'm deeply touched and encouraged by his confidence in Christ in the midst of all the troubles that makes mine look small.

As put in his own words,

"Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. The Lord and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I'm not lying."
2 Corinthians 11:29-31

Would I be able to boast about my weakness, like Paul?

When everything else falls, would I be able to hold onto His truth, and declaring Christ alone is enough for me? Can I say He is the ultimate source of my joy and peace?

When I pass through the deepest of waters, can I trust that He is with me?

I was left with all these questions.
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January 1st doesn't have magic itself. Struggles won't just go away. Relationships still take time to build. Resolutions need determination to carry on.

I know that I will face just as much highs and lows 2017, if not more, comparing with 2016.

Maybe this time, I can do better, with more of Christ and less of me. Let my faith be independent from my circumstances - that's my prayer for new year.

:)

77 times

One day in November, my host housemate Bruce and I went to throw away a used toilet into a neighborhood dumpster. The toilet was so heavy that we did not have a firm grip of it after we lifted it up above the edge of the dumpster. As the toilet tilted, rain water that had accumulated in it from previous days poured out onto Bruce. Having had his left sleeve drenched, Bruce joked, “How many times can I forgive you?” Without a thought, I said 77 times. Since I was confident that Bruce was well aware of Jesus’s saying of forgive others for 77 times, I did not explain my answer. And we both laughed.   

            This incident would not have been noteworthy, if it had not sparked a clear thought inside me

-I felt as if Jesus was telling me to forgive a specific person called Shaogui. My relationship with 

Shaogui was having problem at that time. He had been contacting me with phone calls and text 

messages, but I chose to neither pick up his phone calls nor reply to his messages. In almost 2 

months, he sent me about 30 text messages, but I did not say a single thing back to him. Certainly I 

knew not replying to him was not right, but I simply did not want to deal with him anymore.  In the 

past 2 years, he had put my patience to the ultimate test, often calling me more than 10 times a day, 

complaining to me about his life from bad dining hall food to unfair professors, waking me up at 3 

AM to tell me that he couldn’t fall asleep, asking me to escort him to McDonald’s late at night 

because the streets were dangerous, and saying he wanted to burn the name-inscribed Bible I gifted 

him because the Bible brought bad luck…As life moves on, old troubles are replaced by new ones, 

but his state of being in trouble never changes, neither does his desperate need to talk to me. The last 

time we talked, I left my church congregational teaching to pick up his phone call, and yet he 

scolded me for not having good phone signal. My life is not without troubles, and this time around, 

when his insatiable needs for consolation-with no signs of any improvement over the years- came on 

top of my own troubles, I decided to ignore him.

Shaogui is an important person in my spiritual journey. I met him at my first university class. In my freshman year, I gave him some advice, of which all fell into deaf ears. However, after I stopped bothering to talk to him, my ex-roommate, who played a significant part leading me to Christ, befriended him and cared for him. After my ex-roommate graduated, I felt responsible for keeping the heritage of love and for caring for Shaogui. This is how my story with Shaogui described in the past paragraph started. Through his barrage of complaints and needs, God has been teaching me patience, meekness, and love. Who would have thought that one week after having said he wanted to burn his Bible, Shaogui called me again, saying he now put the Bible next to his pillow as an amulet of luck? Who would have thought that one time after I prayed for him and asked him to pray, he started his prayer saying Jesus my Lord and Savior? Who would have thought that when he, with no bitterness, but a plain sense of loss, told me that he did not have a single photo of his college days, I cried profusely in compassion and in thanksgiving of God giving us this friendship?

The Bible tells us that “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived—the things God has prepared for those who love him—these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.” But back in October and November, when I gave up talking to Shaogui, I was led not by the Spirit, but lies of hopelessness and an unending trial in which God put me to walk by myself. With my mind focused on current troubles, I failed to remember how God held my hand and walked me through the trials in the past.

Ever since I stopped talking to Shaogui, I felt my conscience constantly being stirred up, guilty and anxious. It was not until I said 77 times to my housemate that I felt clear instruction from the Spirit to confront and forgive Shaogui, although I needed him to forgive my deliberate denials just as much as I needed to forgive him. Not long after that day, I once again opened up my text message correspondence with Shaogui…

On New Year’s Day, I received a message from Shaogui. He wished me Happy New Year, and that God keep our friendship and quoted the folk song Old Lang Syne. Interestingly, Old Lang Syne was my high school dormitory alarm clock ringtone, but it never spoke to my heart like this time: “Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold, that loving Breast of thine; That thou canst never once reflect On old long syne." How will my love for God change in the years to come? I pray God keep my heart ablaze for Him, in the pinnacle of success, in the depth of trial, and in the vast majority of seemingly mundane daily life.