I wish 2016 could've had an easier ending.
It didn't.
Instead, so much has happened in the last month that I've struggled to put everything into words. How could I accurately describe it to you, except that it was a pretty wild ride?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
As I'm half way done with unpacking in my new apartment, for the first time in over a month, I feel settled and at ease.
There were actually a lot of good things that happened, like the students I got to engage with, the new connections that were made, and the relationships that got deeper. They are worth so much praise!
But somehow, the challenges that were thrown in my way seem to be a lot bigger and overshadowed the joy from seeing fruits in ministry that I've been hoping for a long time.
So much of my own strength has gone into troubleshooting that when the ministry opportunities finally came, I found little left in me to rely on.
I was confused.
Isn't it what you have called me here to do, God? If so, then why has it been so unnecessarily hard?
I remember myself thinking,
How did I get to where I am?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One of my biggest fear as a Christian is that faith alone couldn't sustain me.
Surely I need Christ and His salvation.
But on this side of heaven, I also need a roof over my head, a job that provides financial stability, fulfilling relationships with people that matter in my life - and so much more! These are just basic human needs to survive, right?
Every time when something I put my identity on fails, I would find myself returning to Him, disappointed and questioning His goodness.
If He is ultimately good, then why bad things happen in this world?
Have you asked this question before?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It wasn't the blocks of stone on my path that overwhelmed me, it was the doubt that entered into my heart. How little faith I have!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But I forgot that it was the world that was broken, and it was me that was the sinner.
After being a Christian for a few years, I think I'm finally having a grasp on the concept of sin and brokenness, something I've always rejected deep in my heart. I find the disconnection grows stronger and stronger especially after I start to share the gospel more and more with non-believers.
After all, how do I tell people, that behind all the beautiful decorations and smiling faces, Christianity is not for perfect rule-keepers and "nice people," - it was the brokenness and His redemption that united all of us?
Didn't the hopeless idealist in me for a moment believe that humans can achieve love and peace in the world with our own strength alone?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the midst of confusions, a friend shared this passage with me. It was 2 Corinthians 11: 16-33, where Paul boasted about his sufferings.
As I read through the scripture, I'm deeply touched and encouraged by his confidence in Christ in the midst of all the troubles that makes mine look small.
As put in his own words,
"Who is weak, and I do not feel weak? Who is led into sin, and I do not inwardly burn?
If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness. The Lord and Father of the Lord Jesus, who is to be praised forever, knows that I'm not lying."
2 Corinthians 11:29-31
Would I be able to boast about my weakness, like Paul?
When everything else falls, would I be able to hold onto His truth, and declaring Christ alone is enough for me? Can I say He is the ultimate source of my joy and peace?
When I pass through the deepest of waters, can I trust that He is with me?
I was left with all these questions.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
January 1st doesn't have magic itself. Struggles won't just go away. Relationships still take time to build. Resolutions need determination to carry on.
I know that I will face just as much highs and lows 2017, if not more, comparing with 2016.
Maybe this time, I can do better, with more of Christ and less of me. Let my faith be independent from my circumstances - that's my prayer for new year.
:)
No comments:
Post a Comment