Search me Lord, and know my heart

           Last week, a student called Di mentioned to me a theory about 3 ways in which people acquire self-esteem. The first way is to compare with others.  If a person does better than others, the person gains self-esteem. The second way is to match the goals a person made for himself. If person can achieve his own goals, then he feels good about himself. The third type of people have a deep-rooted identity of who they are, and their self-esteem are not heavily influenced by comparison. And then Di commented: “maybe is third type is like because God so loved the world…” I agreed with what Di, thinking that the third type of people have solid identity as children of God, and therefore they don’t have to use ulterior means to validate themselves.

I told Di that I am a strong type II. I often set goals for myself, and strive to achieve them. I like myself a lot more or a lot less, depending on whether I can achieve my own goals or not. Recently, I have been working hard towards the goal of being able to climb all the routes in Ohio State University’s climbing gym. I started out with a firm belief that rock climbing was something God wanted me to do, because it was through many totally unexpected twists and turns that I got into rock climbing, which was also something I had been praying for to do over the long winter when I couldn’t do outdoor cycling. Rocking climbing also immediately gave me a Godly purpose, because of sheer difficulty gave me a strong sense of inadequacy. While I was trapped on the wall, not able to move any higher, and consumed by the fear of falling, I was praying for God to give me the courage and persistence, so that I wouldn’t give up unless I had tried my absolute best. I also remember the story in Exodus 17, which is about Joshua’s Israelites army were winning battles whenever Moses lifted his hand. I felt as a climber, I was like Joshua, because although I was winning some tough battles, it was God who fought for me. Without prayers on the wall, I could do little. Moreover, I even came across the verses of Psalm 94:18-19 : “When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” In rock climbing, if a person’s feet slip from the tiny footholds, he or she is almost likely going to fall off the wall. Anxiety of falling cripples a person from making bold, dynamic moves. Therefore, I was overjoyed to read these two verses, as if they were written for my rock climbing training.

But before I knew it, I started to train 3 hours a day, and sometimes more than 10 days in a row. Pains from my fingers and elbows gave me the first warning sign that I was training too much. When I looked deeper into my spiritual life, I realized my rock climbing started to lose the joy and patience, which are the fruits of the Spirit. I used to experience joy in the process, but now, unless I can climb the next hard route, I feel not joy, but great impatience, and disappointment with myself. Thanks to God, a mentor pointed out to me that Psalm 94 is not the only place that mentions “foot slipping”. Psalm 73 says that “But as for me, my feet had almost slipped:  I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.” In my case, my feet were slipping because rock climbing was starting to become an idol for me in which I sought self-esteem through personal achievements. I was so performance-minded, that if I saw a climber worse than me, I would feel judgmental to him/her, and if I saw a climber better than me, I felt envious. What started with Godly intentions gradually turned into a barren place where myself was starting to replace God. But I’m grateful that God has revealed to me that in the deep recess of heart, I have been trying to earn the favor of myself and the favoring of God by achievement and performance. No matter how many stories of faithful men and women who chose to give up their promising careers to stay at home to take care of their children, or sick spouses, I imagined myself having to be out there in the battlefront, reaching out to unknown people groups, to feel the most content with myself. In other words, in my imagination, I would rather choose to be a martyr shot to death by terrorists because of my profession of faith, than to be a husband who honors God by staying home to take care of my wife. I feel I need to do things to please myself and God, but Jesus says: “without me, you can do nothing.”

            I believe that Bible does commands us to work hard for the Lord, and often during the process, at some point, I start to work hard for myself under the pretext of working for hard. As soon as I drive Jesus out of the center, I will work in vain. I pray God to reveal to me the deep thoughts and intentions of my heart, and correct me to go on the path everlasting. 

The honor of serving with IFI

I feel very blessed to work with IFI. The opportunity to work for the Lord and the assurance to make a difference in this world fills my heart with joy. I am surrounded by people who love the Lord, people I can follow and imitate as they follow and imitate Christ. One of the most important things I learned during the ISEED formation was to always start with the end in mind and working with events it is crucial to know what it the goal and the expectation.
Then, what is my object? Why do I coordinate events for international students? “For God so loved the world” says John 3:16. The ultimate point is to share this love, the good news that the god that students feel distant or not existing is truly the creator of the universe, the One who cares for them so much and who made a way to have a relationship with us.
I might not be able to talk to students and interact with them because I will be busy making sure that everything runs smoothly, but my job is to provide volunteers an environment where they can connect with students, and where students can feel safe and loved. My desire is that each activity can be the beginning of a life changing experience.

In the past few months, I have heard multiple testimonies of students learning about IFI during one of our events (the Hocking Hills trip, a conference over Christmas, etc.) and my heart was filled with joy! It is a victory when even just one person is impacted with the Gospel! Jesus power is so great that He makes everything new and can bring light even in the darkest places. If those internationals hear the good news and share it both here in the US with their friends and back at home, the change will be radical and the great commission accomplished one person at the time!
Did you know that one on one discipleship is the best way to reach the world? Numbers say that the growth is slow at the beginning, but that the investment is worth in the long run, as the multiplication is exponential (“Discipleship by design” by Harvey Herman, Jr.).

I thank God for the honor of serving Him through IFI. It makes me feel like I belong to something bigger and that the time I spend is well invested.
                                      

Let's Talk About Love and Relationships

The change of priorities in life is the one of the biggest differences that I experienced after becoming a Christian.

Growing up in a society that stresses the importance of getting ahead and competing against other people, I used to focus so much on personal growth and advancement. My time mainly went towards personal entertainment, studying, classes that would make me "smarter" and "more competitive", gaining experiences, etc. It is not to say that making yourself a better person is wrong. The problem is that, I spent too much time to make the world revolve around me, and neglected the relationships I have with other people.

We were taught that it is okay to not to things that you promised if there is a conflict of interests, in other words, it is okay to be selfish. So I chose to stay in my comfort zone and was sometimes justifying my selfish reasons to choose to focus on me instead of spending time with friends and family.

This is the exact opposite that Jesus would do. In fact, He is the perfect model of relationship. The relationship that He has with the Father and His disciples are serving as the example that we all should follow. He stretched himself and made time to stay with his disciples. His love is never for himself but for people around Him and the Father. The inability to love other people is the reason of the wrong focus that I had when I was younger.

Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. This love is based on our hearts to serve them selfishlessly, to truly value and to spend time with them and build relationships. He came down on the earth with one purpose, to serve as the ultimate sacrifice and provide the only way for us to restore our broken relationship with the Father. It is out of His perfect love for us, and for relationship.

The Waiting Place

It's hard to believe the year with IFI is approaching to an end.

I remember feeling frustrated when people started to ask me what my next steps are. While it seems like life is full of possibilities when I first moved to Columbus, ironically it doesn't seem like I have many options lying in front of me as the year is drawing to an end.

It's hard to be in a culture and life stage where everything constantly reminds you of the pressing need to figure out what's next, while all you really want is focusing on being present. While I could easily lightheartedly answer this question by saying "wherever the Lord is taking me next" in the beginning, I've found myself growing wearier as the time passes.

Not just because I haven't been actively pursuing future opportunities, but mostly because of the fear of not nearly doing enough/well enough for what's now. 

I thought that I had very specific goals and visions coming into the program. Having been an international student on a college campus for the past 4 years, I thought I would understand better about the spiritual/practical needs of international students. And I would finally have a platform to use the gifts and resources God provided for me graciously to serve the lost. 

My heart was for the students from under-reached people groups(especially those who wouldn't be naturally drawn to the traditional concept of a bible study) to have encounter with Christians on an American campus through authentic relationships with their peers and being part of a genuine community where Christians and non-Christians come together and have a safe place/causal environment to have deep spiritual conversations. 

As I felt very spirit-led initially in pursuing these goals and visions, at one point I've realized that my desire to serve in ministry has turned from serving God into serving people. 

They have turned from Godly desires into my own desires. When I received disappointments from people, I soon turned them into disappointments on God.

On the first page of my journal was illustration of a verse I drew at the beginning of my ISEED year:

  “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

When I revisited this verse, all of a sudden things started to make sense to me. How could I expect to bear much fruit while I'm not remaining in the vine? Have I become the Samaritan woman, who's expecting to quench her thirst from the water on the ground, instead of the living water that Jesus has offered for me?

If I had been continuously pressing on God, wouldn't I still have the overflowing of joy even when things are hard? If I had been continuously seeking my identity in Christ, wouldn't I still be able to stand strong on my feet even when I felt rejected and misunderstood by people? 

Maybe God has put me in this waiting place for a reason. Maybe the things I have desires to see happening aren't happening right now for a reason. He is not holding anything back from me. He is simply drawing me closer to Him, and asking me to hand over my control. So when the day comes where everything falls into its place, I would  know that it was only because of Him instead of me.