I remember feeling frustrated when people started to ask me what my next steps are. While it seems like life is full of possibilities when I first moved to Columbus, ironically it doesn't seem like I have many options lying in front of me as the year is drawing to an end.
It's hard to be in a culture and life stage where everything constantly reminds you of the pressing need to figure out what's next, while all you really want is focusing on being present. While I could easily lightheartedly answer this question by saying "wherever the Lord is taking me next" in the beginning, I've found myself growing wearier as the time passes.
Not just because I haven't been actively pursuing future opportunities, but mostly because of the fear of not nearly doing enough/well enough for what's now.
I thought that I had very specific goals and visions coming into the program. Having been an international student on a college campus for the past 4 years, I thought I would understand better about the spiritual/practical needs of international students. And I would finally have a platform to use the gifts and resources God provided for me graciously to serve the lost.
My heart was for the students from under-reached people groups(especially those who wouldn't be naturally drawn to the traditional concept of a bible study) to have encounter with Christians on an American campus through authentic relationships with their peers and being part of a genuine community where Christians and non-Christians come together and have a safe place/causal environment to have deep spiritual conversations.
As I felt very spirit-led initially in pursuing these goals and visions, at one point I've realized that my desire to serve in ministry has turned from serving God into serving people.
They have turned from Godly desires into my own desires. When I received disappointments from people, I soon turned them into disappointments on God.
On the first page of my journal was illustration of a verse I drew at the beginning of my ISEED year:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
When I revisited this verse, all of a sudden things started to make sense to me. How could I expect to bear much fruit while I'm not remaining in the vine? Have I become the Samaritan woman, who's expecting to quench her thirst from the water on the ground, instead of the living water that Jesus has offered for me?
If I had been continuously pressing on God, wouldn't I still have the overflowing of joy even when things are hard? If I had been continuously seeking my identity in Christ, wouldn't I still be able to stand strong on my feet even when I felt rejected and misunderstood by people?
Maybe God has put me in this waiting place for a reason. Maybe the things I have desires to see happening aren't happening right now for a reason. He is not holding anything back from me. He is simply drawing me closer to Him, and asking me to hand over my control. So when the day comes where everything falls into its place, I would know that it was only because of Him instead of me.
❤️
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