Last week, a student called Di mentioned
to me a theory about 3 ways in which people acquire self-esteem. The first way
is to compare with others. If a person
does better than others, the person gains self-esteem. The second way is to
match the goals a person made for himself. If person can achieve his own goals,
then he feels good about himself. The third type of people have a deep-rooted
identity of who they are, and their self-esteem are not heavily influenced by
comparison. And then Di commented: “maybe is third type is like because God so
loved the world…” I agreed with what Di, thinking that the third type of people
have solid identity as children of God, and therefore they don’t have to use
ulterior means to validate themselves.
I told Di
that I am a strong type II. I often set goals for myself, and strive to achieve
them. I like myself a lot more or a lot less, depending on whether I can
achieve my own goals or not. Recently, I have been working hard towards the
goal of being able to climb all the routes in Ohio State University’s climbing
gym. I started out with a firm belief that rock climbing was something God
wanted me to do, because it was through many totally unexpected twists and
turns that I got into rock climbing, which was also something I had been
praying for to do over the long winter when I couldn’t do outdoor cycling. Rocking
climbing also immediately gave me a Godly purpose, because of sheer difficulty
gave me a strong sense of inadequacy. While I was trapped on the wall, not able
to move any higher, and consumed by the fear of falling, I was praying for God
to give me the courage and persistence, so that I wouldn’t give up unless I had
tried my absolute best. I also remember the story in Exodus 17, which is about
Joshua’s Israelites army were winning battles whenever Moses lifted his hand. I
felt as a climber, I was like Joshua, because although I was winning some tough
battles, it was God who fought for me. Without prayers on the wall, I could do
little. Moreover, I even came across the verses of Psalm 94:18-19 : “When I
said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When
anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” In
rock climbing, if a person’s feet slip from the tiny footholds, he or she is
almost likely going to fall off the wall. Anxiety of falling cripples a person
from making bold, dynamic moves. Therefore, I was overjoyed to read these two
verses, as if they were written for my rock climbing training.
But before
I knew it, I started to train 3 hours a day, and sometimes more than 10 days in
a row. Pains from my fingers and elbows gave me the first warning sign that I
was training too much. When I looked deeper into my spiritual life, I realized
my rock climbing started to lose the joy and patience, which are the fruits of
the Spirit. I used to experience joy in the process, but now, unless I can
climb the next hard route, I feel not joy, but great impatience, and
disappointment with myself. Thanks to God, a mentor pointed out to me that Psalm
94 is not the only place that mentions “foot slipping”. Psalm 73 says that “But
as for me, my feet had almost slipped: I
had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the
prosperity of the wicked.” In my case, my feet were slipping because rock
climbing was starting to become an idol for me in which I sought self-esteem
through personal achievements. I was so performance-minded, that if I saw a
climber worse than me, I would feel judgmental to him/her, and if I saw a
climber better than me, I felt envious. What started with Godly intentions
gradually turned into a barren place where myself was starting to replace God.
But I’m grateful that God has revealed to me that in the deep recess of heart,
I have been trying to earn the favor of myself and the favoring of God by
achievement and performance. No matter how many stories of faithful men and
women who chose to give up their promising careers to stay at home to take care
of their children, or sick spouses, I imagined myself having to be out there in
the battlefront, reaching out to unknown people groups, to feel the most
content with myself. In other words, in my imagination, I would rather choose
to be a martyr shot to death by terrorists because of my profession of faith,
than to be a husband who honors God by staying home to take care of my wife. I
feel I need to do things to please myself and God, but Jesus says: “without me,
you can do nothing.”
I
believe that Bible does commands us to work hard for the Lord, and often during
the process, at some point, I start to work hard for myself under the pretext
of working for hard. As soon as I drive Jesus out of the center, I will work in
vain. I pray God to reveal to me the deep thoughts and intentions of my heart,
and correct me to go on the path everlasting.
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